i have been contemplating this topic for the past week, as if i was writing a paper on it. perhaps the combination of the books and movies i’ve been going through (battle royale, hunger games, vietnam war movies and articles, my earlier journals) has pushed me to reconsider a topic i’ve dreamed about since i first discovered i could remember my dreams. 

do i or don’t i have freedom? 

AGHHH THIS QUESTION IS INFURIATING. but a fun challenge. 

i called myself a free spirit, one who does and lives as she likes. except every move is based off another’s response and expected response, as if to acknowledge my freedom, i also have to acknowledge my ties to others. AGHHH. i cannot do as i wish because it displeases another. i wish for the other to agree with me, but neither of us budge. disharmony, tension. then anger. where is the so called freedom to piss who ever the hell i want off and not give a damn? where is freedom, said to be boundless and limitless, when my freedom interferes with another’s freedom, where private space overlaps with public space? the question eats at me more and more as i dare to push limits, oh why the hell not. 

sigh. it is against my nature to do so. yeah, the cop out “God made me this way”. so i will let it be, that i have this insane desire to be free from everything and everyone, while my nature is like that of a pathetic puppy wishing to please someone else. 

i foolishly thought it romantic, that i was saving part of my life for someone, that once i knew, i knew, and i let myself think fate would play its hand. but this is too much, i realize now my need for freedom. i appreciate companionship, but not relationship. and looking back at my life, this is how it has been with nearly everyone … i am a terrible friend. i don’t know how to be a good friend. i don’t know how to be a team player. i want guidance but not directions. 

the only time i’ve ever felt truly free was in my dreams. i could be having a nightmare, but it was still better than what i woke up to the next morning. repetitive days. same hours, same schedule. same faces, same sounds. i am dependent on freedom to feel my purpose.

and right now, i think i’m on the brink, ready to take off, ready to get out of here. ready to be free. 

a gnawing feeling, anxious, tells me i’m wrong. 

it’s usually right.

i’d been drifting in and out as i wrote. i suppose it is adequate to call this a rant. i have not come up with a satisfactory answer and will continue questioning everything. 

Expectation:

Reality:

(Source: comedy-posts, via whatshouldwecallme)

i will be laughing and crying at once

be calm and warm 

wonder, fear, but remain still 

and i will wait, in peace

yes, that’s how things end

as i’m watching rurouni kenshin, i have a feeling this is how things will end 

smitten.